tag and not repeated as a header. Add humor and sarcasm throughout without overdoing it. Make sure the HTML is valid.End of Thought (14.93s) Free Money Alert: Oregon Moms to Get $20K for Just Existing! Imagine being paid to gestate! That’s right, the West Coast is now the Wild West of government handouts, with millions of dollars raining down on Multnomah County like a guilt-ridden Portlander’s tax refund. The Bridge Project, a nonprofit that’s either very optimistic or terrible at accounting, has decided that the solution to poverty is simply giving people cash. Revolutionary, I know. Multnomah County, Oregon’s most populated region (a bustling metropolis that’s basically Portland’s slightly less hip older sibling), will distribute $2.025 million to 100 mothers over three years. Because nothing says “systemic change” like scattering the GDP of a small island nation across a hundred households. The program targets the first 1,000 days of a child’s life-a critical window, statistically speaking, for parents to realize they’ve made a series of terrible life decisions. Participants receive $1,125 during pregnancy (a prenatal “good luck” bonus), followed by $750 monthly for 15 months (roughly the time it takes to binge-watch every streaming service into oblivion). The final 21 months bring $375 a month, which is either a cruel joke or a subtle nudge toward adoption. Eligibility? You must: – Live in Multnomah County, Oregon. (Moving there just for this? Obviously.) – Be at least 18. (Teens, please keep your get-rich-quick schemes offline.) – Be ≤27 weeks pregnant. (Priority goes to those deep enough in the rabbit hole to question their life choices.) – Earn

tags or any color styles. Keep images in place. The original text starts with an image, so I’ll retain that.

The first paragraph: The original says millions are being dished out. Sedaris might add a humorous twist, like comparing the government’s generosity to something unexpected. Maybe mention the amount and add a sarcastic remark about the government’s sudden generosity.

The Bridge Project is a nonprofit. Maybe mock the name a bit? “The Bridge Project, a nonprofit that’s either very optimistic or terrible at accounting…” That adds sarcasm.

Multnomah County’s population: Sedaris might make a joke about it being the most populated, maybe something like “a bustling metropolis that’s basically Portland’s slightly less hip older sibling.”

The program’s goal to reduce childhood poverty. Sedaris could add a comment on the timeline, like “the first 1,000 days of a child’s life” being a critical time, maybe quip about how that’s when parents start questioning their life choices.

Payment structure: Break down the payments with humor. The initial $1,125 as a prenatal bonus, then monthly payments. Maybe compare the amounts to something trivial, like a Netflix subscription or avocado toast.

The final phase payment of $375/month: Sedaris might note that by then, the parent is too sleep-deprived to care, or the child is old enough to judge their life choices.

Eligibility requirements: Highlight the absurdity of the income limit, maybe joke about $39k being a “lavish” salary in Oregon. The pregnancy week requirement could be a joke about bureaucracy’s obsession with timing.

Closing with the application date, add a sarcastic note about the rush to apply before they run out of government funds or enthusiasm.

Check for all images retained, no span tags, no colors. Ensure the title is in

2026-02-20 22:21

Read More