Oh, crypto’s having a bit of a meltdown, then. BTC dipped below $65K on Monday like it’s trying to escape the chaos of 2024’s worst group chat. Traders? Panicking harder than your aunt Carol at a power outage. Blame Trump’s tariff theatrics, Iran’s “surprise, surprise” tension act, and economic data that’s basically a mood ring. The Fear & Greed Index is at 5-aka “sell your crypto and maybe your dignity too.”
Total crypto market cap? Down 3-5%, sliding toward $2.2T. Not a crash, just a “let’s all hold hands and scream” session. Trump’s new 15% tariffs? Basically a reality show where the prize is global economic whiplash. Geopolitics? More unpredictable than a Brit on a diet. Investors? Fleeing to gold like crypto’s just a fling that got too serious.
Trade Tensions and Macro Risks: The Panic Playlist
SCOTUS said Trump’s tariffs were “overstepping,” so he doubled down with more tariffs. Because nothing says “diplomacy” like throwing economic grenades. Now global growth? Slower than a sloth on Xanax. Inflation? Still crashing the party like a drunk uncle.
Iran drama? Investors are fleeing to gold faster than a vegan at a steakhouse. Crypto’s “digital gold” shtick? Turns out it’s just the risky kid at the party who also owes everyone rent. Whales dumping coins on exchanges? More frantic than a crypto yard sale. Thin liquidity? Buyers are about as confident as a penguin in a desert.
Economic Data: The Fed’s Mood Ring
Analysts are stalking jobless claims like they’re the last slice of pizza. Inflation’s still above forecasts-Fed’s rate cuts? Now a maybe, maybe not. The central bank’s pumping $14.6B into markets. Not a stimulus, just a “here, have a participation trophy” vibe.
Nvidia earnings? The tech world’s version of a horoscope. If they sneeze, crypto catches pneumonia. Tech and crypto: basically Siamese twins in a horror movie.
Liquidations: When Leverage Goes Wrong (Again)
$460M in liquidations? Leveraged longs got obliterated like they signed up for a crypto hunger games. Institutional investors? Ghosting crypto harder than an ex on Tinder. Bitdeer sold all its mined coins-fire sale at the Blockbuster of crypto. Michael Saylor’s still bullish? Bless. He’s either a visionary or just really good at drinking the Kool-Aid.
Fear Index in “extreme fear”? Welcome to the group therapy session. Until the Fed stops playing hard to get and Trump stops playing Jenga with tariffs, crypto’s volatility will be “epic” in the way your tax audit is “epic.”
Cover image from ChatGPT (AI-generated panic), BTCUSD chart from Tradingview (for when you need charts, not hope)
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2026-02-24 05:22