Coinbase vs. Congress: Stablecoin Saga or Crypto Comedy? 🎭💰

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Oh, the drama! Coinbase is throwing a hissy fit 🥴 as Congress preps to drop the crypto hammer on Jan. 12. Will they pull a Mel Brooks and yell, “It’s good to be the king… of crypto?”

Banking Lobby vs. Crypto Firms: The Battle of the Century (or at least this week) 🏦⚔️🚀

Coinbase is turning up the heat 🔥 on U.S. lawmakers like a microwave burrito, all because Congress is about to unveil a crypto bill that’s got more twists than a pretzel. The big question: Can Coinbase keep handing out stablecoin rewards like candy at Halloween? 🎃💸 If not, they’re threatening to take their ball and go home. 🏃♂️💨

According to a Bloomberg report, the bill drops on Jan. 12, with Senate shenanigans expected later in the week. One proposal? Only regulated financial institutions can offer stablecoin rewards. Banks are cheering like they just won the lottery 🎟️, claiming it’ll stop depositors from fleeing like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon. 🚁💼

Coinbase, meanwhile, is eyeing a national trust charter like it’s the Holy Grail. 🏆 If they get it, they could qualify under these rules. But crypto firms are warning this bill could choke innovation like a bad burrito. 🌯💀 Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong predicts banks will eventually flip-flop and lobby for stablecoin yields. Because, you know, greed. 💰😈

Stablecoin rewards are Coinbase’s golden goose, laying $1.3 billion in eggs by 2025. 🐔💸 A ban? That’s like cutting off the goose’s head. 🐔✂️ Revenues would take a nosedive faster than a crypto winter. ❄️💸

Coinbase also owns a slice of Circle, the stablecoin king under the GENIUS Act. 🧠👑 The Act says issuers can’t pay interest directly, but partners like Coinbase can. Banks call it a loophole, while crypto firms say banning rewards would make the U.S. look like a Luddite in a tech race. Especially when China’s paying interest on its digital yuan like it’s going out of style. 🇨🇳📈

This drama has bipartisan support crumbling like a stale cookie. 🍪😢 Bloomberg’s Nathan Dean gives the bill a 70% chance of passing in 2026. Lawmakers are now considering a middle ground: letting firms with trust charters offer yield. But the banking lobby says that’s like letting the fox guard the henhouse. 🦊🐔

Industry insiders say restrictions will just spawn new reward models. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” said Stripe’s William Gaybrick. Or, as Mel Brooks would say, “It’s showtime, folks!” 🎭

With the administration pushing for a quick resolution, senators are sweating like they’re in a sauna. 🧖♂️💦 Coinbase’s threat to pull support highlights the stakes: billions in revenue, stablecoin adoption, and the crypto-bank power struggle. Popcorn, anyone? 🍿

FAQ ❓

  • What’s happening in Washington? Congress is dropping a crypto bill on Jan. 12. 🎁📜
  • Why does Coinbase care? The bill could kill their $1.3B stablecoin reward gravy train. 🚂💸
  • What’s the banking industry’s take? They want rewards limited to licensed institutions, fearing deposit flight like it’s the zombie apocalypse. 🧟♂️💼
  • Global impact? Crypto firms say bans would make the U.S. look like a dinosaur in a digital world. 🦖💻

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2026-01-13 02:07