So, Tether-the stablecoin people who love printing money out of thin air-decided to invest in SQRIL, a company that’s basically duct-taping QR payment systems together across Asia, Africa, and Latin America. 🎉
After a period of… shall we say, studied languor, and a regrettable tangle with legal proceedings, the token experienced a most unexpected surge towards the close of the year. Many investors, it is rumoured, were found lamenting their lack of foresight. Others, with more time for reflection, pondered whether this sudden bloom was but a passing fancy, or the harbinger of more substantial developments in 2026.
At press time, Dogecoin leapt more than 12% in a single day, breaking above a long-standing descending trendline. This breakout came after weeks of tight price consolidation and steadily declining volatility-how very boring of it. 🤷♂️
These “analysts” at Bull Theory, stuffed with caviar and pronouncements, tell us traditional markets flourished. Metals! Gold! Can you believe it? Real, tangible things did well. While our precious cryptocurrencies, these ethereal promises of riches… stumbled. Silver soared 160%! Gold, a respectable 66%! Bitcoin? A pathetic 5% down. Down, I say! Despite the breathless pronouncements of “purchasing” and “inflows” and other such nonsense. 🙄 They pump money in, and it still goes down! The irony… it burns!
History, that sly old narrator, had already scribbled its warnings in blood-red ink. In 2014, 2018, 2020, and 2022, the death cross summoned plummets of 67%, 54%, 53%, and 64%, respectively. Now, Martinez, clutching his tea and spreadsheet, whispers that $38,000 awaits, a frostbitten mirage in the desert of investor hope.
Apparently, some analysts at CryptoQuant – bless their hearts – noticed that people on Binance are buying more Ethereum than they’re selling. Groundbreaking stuff. The “Taker Buy/Sell Ratio” is 1.005. Which sounds…precise. Like, are we sure it wasn’t 1.0048? Decades of trading experience tell us that a .001 ratio change means either instant wealth or utter ruin. It’s just, these people are “aggressively” buying into a market that hasn’t actually decided where it’s going. It’s like showing up to a potluck with a single olive. Brave, perhaps, but mostly just awkward.
The announcement, made on the frosty morning of January 2, 2025, sent ripples through the market. AAVE surged over 10% in a single day, as traders rejoiced at the prospect of improved harmony between the development team and the DAO. It seems even cryptocurrencies appreciate a good reconciliation story.
This sale is like a man ditching his horse for a bicycle: goodbye Latin America, hello North America. The company’s now all about “high-performance computing” and “artificial intelligence infrastructure.” Sure, because nothing says “future” like a bunch of machines that never sleep. 🤖
The timing? Oh, it’s chef’s kiss. 🧑🍳 Especially since this little penguin’s waddle upward came hot on the heels of the crypto market’s post-Q4 rebound. Remember Q4 2025? That was the quarter when everyone’s portfolios turned as red as my face after accidentally replying-all to a work email. 😳
Well, I’ll be jiggered! The Hong Kong authorities have really turned up the heat in the JPEX scandal, slapping three extra money laundering charges on Zhu Jiahui, better known as “Mr. Zhu” to his adoring (and now possibly appalled) fans. 🌟💔
