The Nasdaq, ever the stern schoolmaster, has sent Canaan a stern letter, warning that its ADS have dipped below $1.00 for 30 consecutive days. A formal compliance process is now in motion, like a train heading toward a bridge that’s been removed 🚂.
And get this-it’s not even breaking a sweat! No dramatic spikes, just a steady climb like it’s on a StairMaster. 🏋️♂️ Meanwhile, the broader market is like, “Risk-off? More like risk-nap.” 😴 But Dash? Decoupled and living its best life. ✨
Doctor Profit, a crypto oracle who clearly hasn’t seen a good meme in years, claims Bitcoin has been trapped in a “sideways consolidation” since November 2025. Imagine being so bored you invent a new form of stagnation just to entertain yourself. This, apparently, is the bearish equivalent of watching paint dry. 🎨📉
One might think this a bullish omen, a noble act of accumulation-yet here, in this abyss of confusion, the truth is far darker. With a total outflow of 629 billion SHIB and inflows of 319.8 billion, the market dances a chaotic waltz, not the measured steps of a true investor, but the frenzied twirls of a madhouse. 🧠
Per CoinGlass, our favorite altcoin had a net outflow of 43,990 ETH ($140.6M) from centralized exchanges in 24 hours. Binance alone coughed up 17,780 ETH. Weekly accumulation? A cool 239,200 ETH ($766M). So, long-term investors are clearly rolling their eyes at short-term traders’ panic. 😏
But-and there’s always a but, isn’t there?-the room remains divided. Sentiment is less “love at first sight” and more “awkward second date with the in-laws.” Bulls and bears are tangoing on a tightrope, and honestly, neither side seems to know the steps.
The revelation of alien life, she argues, could send the financial markets into a tailspin more chaotic than a drunkard’s ledger. Stocks? Bonds? Gold? All might flutter like autumn leaves in a hurricane of panic.
Le sage Vitalik, ce Merlin de la blockchain, a eu la révélation divine-oui, mes amis!-il faut épurer, dépoussiérer et faire un peu de ménage dans cet âge d’or numérique. Faute de quoi, le monstre deviendra si fouillis qu’il faudra un doctorat en cryptographie pour simplement comprendre comment transférer ses sous! 🧙♂️
Now, you might think that Bitcoin’s current flatline is a sign of weakness-oh, contraire! Cathie says it’s more like a coiled spring, just waiting for the right moment to unleash its power! 🌌 In her 2026 outlook (released on Jan. 15, mind you), she paints a picture of the U.S. economy as a “coiled spring” ready to leap into action after a long nap, thanks to some sweet deregulation and tax cuts. Who doesn’t love a good tax break to shake things up? 💸
