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First up, meet Artisans’ Bank in, dare we say, the charming state of Maine-though “charming” might be a stretch when your Social Security number is floating around like confetti at a carnival. They report that a sneaky hacker squad slipped in through Marquis Software’s gates, poked around the digital drawers, and maybe took a peek at some sensitive stuff. Yikes! 32,344 customers affected, or as Marquis might put it, “You might want to change your Social Security number and maybe move to a secret island.”

This strategic endeavor emerges as the preeminent Ethereum treasury company seeks to generate yields from its impressive 4.066 million ETH holdings. One can almost hear the jubilant clinking of coins in their coffers! Or is it just the sound of dreams being staked? 🤔

Key takeaways (because who has time to read the whole thing?)

Some “experts” – and I use that term VERY loosely – are saying it’s forming a “Head & Shoulders” pattern. A head and shoulders! Sounds like a bad vaudeville act! They say it hit $3,200 (the left shoulder, naturally), then went up to $3,400 (the head!), and now it’s wobbling around $3,100 (the right shoulder, oy!). My grandmother has better investment strategies!

Yet, dear reader, beneath the surface of this monotonous chart, a most curious shift has occurred in the on-chain realm, marking the first time in three moons that we have witnessed such a change. While these developments do not guarantee a rally as the year 2026 approaches, they may indeed serve as the initial bricks in the construction of one-if fortune is kind to us! 🏗️

According to the runes (or, you know, the data), HashKey Group’s $250 million raise was the star of this year-end funding extravaganza, which was all about finance platforms and infrastructure. Because who doesn’t love a bit of financial wizardry? 🧙‍♂️

Key Takeaways (or should we say, the juicy bits? 🍊)

Before retracing in Q4, BNB’s market cap surged from $75 billion to $182 billion – A sign of steady capital flows. On the price charts, BNB has traded within a descending channel since, coinciding with the broader crypto market’s correction too. At press time, Binance Coin [BNB] was trading at $835. 📉📈

So, Bitcoin’s monthly Relative Strength Index (RSI) has decided to take a little vacation below the historically significant 58.7 level. 🌴 Currently chilling at 56.5, this move is basically the crypto equivalent of showing up to a party 10 minutes late – everyone’s like, “Oh, there you are!” But is this a sign of weakening momentum or just Bitcoin being fashionably tardy? 🤔

Brian Armstrong, with a flair for dramatic irony, found himself in the delightful position of congratulating the Indian police for their expedition into the shadows of crime, where a former employee had allegedly danced with hackers, leading to an astonishing breach that compromised the sensitive data of many patrons. It seems that the Hyderabad police have not only captured a fugitive of financial misdeeds but also restored a modicum of faith in the great cosmic balance of security.