ebaster

In the grand theater of market chaos, Bitcoin’s recent rollercoaster-initially a friendly little ride up to $120,000, then a surprise plunge faster than your Uncle Bob’s dad jokes-was met with a surprising Yawn. Instead of hysteria, the industry pondered: is this still the same jittery beast, or has it morphed into something more wizardry? Who knew that beneath the trembling surface lurked a phoenix rising-oily, somewhat mysterious, but undeniably ancient and wise (or just really old). 🧐🔥

As of recently, PENGU is trading around $0.012, up a paltry 0.2% since yesterday. Despite the token’s recent ascent, it remains a mere shadow of its November glory, fluctuating between $0.009665 and $0.01363. The trading activity is as sluggish as molasses on a cold day, with daily volume dwindling to $209 million. 📉

When prices waltz with such vigor, poor traders are left gasping, their positions closed like a poorly timed punchline. And what of leverage? Ah, the double-edged sword that cuts deeper than a satirical monologue at court!

Looking at the price action charts, USELESS tore through an ascending trendline support like a toddler on a rampage-all since the start of this month! In early January 2026, it reached $0.12, only for the bulls to fail spectacularly at maintaining that level. Oh, and the MACD decided to lean quite bearishly, while its momentum seemed busy snoring. Meanwhile, the Money Flow Index (MFI)… well, let’s just say it had its best days behind it, plummeting from a sunny 77 to a dismal 35.

Bitcoin, that tragic hero, failed to conquer $93,500 and now tumbles like Icarus into the $91,200 realm, testing the sacred $90,000 chalice. A low was etched at $89,225, where it now clings to the hope of resurrection. Ah, but hope is a fickle mistress, and $90,500 may yet betray it.

Gold, the old-world aristocrat, has been dancing upward since 2025, a 60% waltz into 2026. One might say it’s enjoying the spotlight, while Bitcoin, once the crypto prodigy, now fiddles with liquidity issues and a nagging sense of irrelevance.

In a spirit of candor as frank as a Victorian dinner guest, Ju dismisses doomsayers and bullish dreamers alike, suggesting that Bitcoin now prefers “stocks and shiny rocks” – the financial version of collecting sea shells. The old days when whales would sell into retail enthusiasm seem to have vanished faster than a magician’s rabbit, replaced by a quiet, almost gentlemanly, rotation of funds. The sort of market dance that would make even the most seasoned gambler yawn. 🎩💤

Despite the tailwinds that would make any sailor envious, our dear SOL has found itself grappling with an elusive and stubborn ceiling somewhere between $145 and $150. Like a poor soul attempting to escape the clutches of despair, it has been cast down from the heights of 2025, and now, sellers stand guard, transforming those once hopeful numbers into a veritable fortress of supply. The bears, relentless in their pursuit, have taken it upon themselves to defend their territory with the fervor of zealots protecting their sacred texts.

The insights come from Matthew Sigel, the firm’s Head of Digital Assets Research, and Senior Investment Analyst Patrick Bush, who have employed a valuation framework based on Bitcoin’s role in two primary total addressable markets: as a medium of exchange (MoE) and as a reserve asset for central banks. 🏦🧠

This “universal solution” for digital assets-because crypto wasn’t already simple enough, right?-is slated to debut sometime after Labor Day. Assuming no one accidentally loses the master password in a coffee spill. ☕🔓