Ladies and gentlemen, behold the latest folly in Uganda: Jack Dorsey’s Bitchat, that most avant-garde of messaging apps, now dances on the lips of every tea-sipping citizen ahead of the 2026 election. One must wonder-does the populace finally embrace encryption, or merely seek a new parlor trick to outwit the powers that be?
- Bitchat, that sly fox of technology, has seen its name whispered (and Googled) in Uganda with the urgency of a royal scandal.
- Opposition leader Bobi Wine, with the gravitas of a man who’s watched one too many tragedies, commands his followers to wield Bitchat like a sword against digital tyranny.
According to the esteemed Google Trends, the phrase “Bitchat” has ascended in Uganda’s search rankings faster than a courtier’s rise after a king’s favor. What a spectacle!
The most fashionable search terms? “Bitchat apk,” “bitchat mesh,” and “how to use bitchat”-all trending like the latest Parisian fashion. One might think the entire nation is auditioning for a role in a tech thriller.
Bitchat, that marvel of modern alchemy, requires no SIM card, no email, no mortal internet! Just a Bluetooth mesh, a sprinkle of encryption, and the ability to gossip like a courtier without a single penny for the postmaster.
Bitchat: The New Hero in Uganda’s Political Opera 🎭
Since time immemorial, dissenters have relied on clandestine messages to outwit despots. Now, Bitchat joins the fray-joining Nepal, Madagascar, and Indonesia in a chorus of encrypted rebellion. How quaint, that governments still believe they can silence the masses with a mere switch!
Bobi Wine, that most dramatic of politicians, has declared Bitchat his weapon of choice. “The regime,” he cries, “shall not smother our voices! They may sever the internet, but not our Bluetooth!” One suspects he rehearses these speeches before a mirror.
President Museveni, that paragon of democratic virtue, has a history of internet blackouts as reliable as a clockmaker’s craft. Five days without Wi-Fi-what a charming way to ensure citizens forget their own names, let alone vote fraudulently.
The Electoral Commission, in its infinite wisdom, now plots new shutdowns to quell “misinformation.” How noble! Or perhaps they merely fear photographs of DR Forms spreading like wildfire. One must marvel at their ingenuity.
“Send pictures of DR Forms!” Wine implores, as if the fate of Uganda rests on the quality of one’s smartphone camera. And lo! Bitchat downloads soared-32,000 new users in a week, and 4,252 in a single day. What a triumph for democracy… or perhaps just a new app to replace the last one they banned.
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2025-12-31 11:42