Satoshi’s Fortune Melts Like My Willpower 🤡💸: BTC’s Descent to ‘Moderate’ Wealth

by

So, here we are. Satoshi Nakamoto’s Bitcoin hoard-yes, the one they’ve been hoarding like a raccoon with a death wish-just dipped below $100 billion. At $90,556 per coin, their stash is now “only” $99.28 billion. Who needs that kind of pressure? I’d probably sell half and buy a yacht just to feel normal.

For context: That’s 1.096 million BTC sitting in wallets untouched since 2010. Imagine! They could’ve bought a sandwich in 2011 and called it a day. Instead, they’re down 28% from their peak. Maybe they’re just waiting for the perfect moment to sell… or maybe they’re a ghost and can’t log into their MetaMask. 🕯️

Still, Arkham insists Satoshi remains the “richest crypto holder.” Congrats, I guess? They mined all their wealth between 2009-2010 and spread it across 22,000 addresses. That’s either paranoia or a really bad Spotify playlist.

Bloomberg now lists them in the top 20 richest people. Wow. Next thing you know, they’ll be on Forbes’ “Most Eligible Bachelors” list. If only they’d send a tweet… or a pizza.

Bitcoin’s Price Action: Because Drama Is Always Trending

Bitcoin hit $89,583 this week, continuing its “four-day losing streak” masterpiece. It’s like watching a reality TV star’s career-chaotic, emotional, and nobody knows why it’s still on air.

The market’s stuck in a $80k-$95k loop since November. Traders are probably just playing Whac-A-Mole with their portfolios. And don’t even get me started on leveraged traders-those poor souls are getting whiplashed by every $10 move. It’s like crypto’s version of a rollercoaster… if the rollercoaster was made of anxiety and bad decisions.

Meanwhile, the U.S. labor report added 50k jobs last month. Big whoop. Bitcoin held steady above $90k like it was watching the whole thing through a fog machine. 🧴

Read More

2026-01-09 18:38