Pi Network’s Mooning and Other Things I Pretend to Understand

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Right, so Pi Network is apparently having a moment. Which is convenient because I’ve been looking for something new to feel anxious about since Bitcoin stopped being interesting around 2019.

Their little crypto coin thing has surged to nearly $0.30, which – and I cannot stress enough that I have no idea what I’m talking about – is apparently a lot. They’re saying it’s a 100% increase this month, which is the kind of growth I’d expect from a pyramid scheme, but apparently this is legitimate? Sure. Why not. We’re all just floating around here making up numbers anyway.

Pi’s Little Party

Look, I’ve been alive long enough to know that when a cryptocurrency announces “upgrades” and “migrations” and “v20.2,” they’re essentially just telling you they’ve changed the wallpaper on their website and somehow that’s worth money now. But apparently Kraken – and I want to be clear I’m not making this up, Kraken is a real place where real humans give real money for digital coins – has started trading PI, so now it’s “legitimate” or whatever.

The entire thing feels like that moment in a party when someone brings up their crypto and you suddenly need to use the toilet.

Oh, and it’s “Pi Day” on March 14th, which is apparently a thing. I’ve marked it in my calendar between “maybe finally learn to cook” and “have a breakdown about mortality.” The Pi Network team apparently did announcements last year too, so maybe they’ll do more this year, or maybe they’ll just tweet a picture of a pie. Who knows. Certainly not me.

Someone on the internet (because that’s where all reputable financial advice lives) pointed out that the RSI is over 70, which means it’s “overbought,” which is a phrase I’m fairly certain was invented specifically to make regular people feel stupid. Essentially, things went up, and now they might go down. Groundbreaking stuff.

XRP: Still Here, Still Confusing Everyone

XRP is up 2% this week, currently hovering around $1.43, which is the financial equivalent of that one friend who always shows up to things but never really contributes to the conversation.

Some analyst named Ali Martinez – and I want to say “Ali Martinez” in a posh British accent every time, because it feels right – noted that XRP’s Bollinger Bands have “squeezed,” which sounds deeply uncomfortable and also like something that would happen to a corset in a period drama.

Anyway, apparently this squeezing thing historically leads to “major moves,” which is the most helpful guidance since my therapist said “it sounds like you’re feeling a lot.”

The same person also thinks XRP could hit $48 at some point, which is the kind of number you pull out when someone asks what you’d do with a time machine. Meanwhile, other people think it might drop below $1, which is the financial equivalent of “it\’s not you, it\’s me.”

Shiba Inu: The Dog That Keeps Giving (Or Taking, Depending on When You Got In)

Shiba Inu is up 10% this week, currently worth approximately nothing, which is honestly the most accurate price for a cryptocurrency named after a dog that became famous for being confused about a election.

Some person on X (I refuse to call it Twitter, that ship has sailed and taken all my will to live with it) called JAVON MARKS – and yes, it’s in all caps, because when you’re giving crypto advice, apparently screaming is mandatory – determined that Shiba Inu is approaching what they call a “breaking point” of a “Falling Wedge-like structure,” which sounds like a yoga position my physiotherapist would suggest.

The last time this happened, apparently Shiba Inu went up 455%, which is the kind of number you usually only see in horror movies about the housing market.

There’s also some data showing fewer SHIB tokens on exchanges, which apparently means people are moving them to “self-custody,” which is a fancy way of saying “I don’t trust anyone anymore, not even the nice people who promised to keep my fake internet money safe.” Relatable, honestly.

So there you have it. Three cryptocurrencies doing cryptocurrency things while I sit here in my flat, still not understanding how any of this works, but feeling emotionally invested anyway. Capitalism, eh? Marvelous.

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2026-03-13 15:15